Guilt

I’m falling into my darkness- it’s smothering how angry I’m at you. I feel like running and running away. I don’t want to be brave. I care not for awards or acknowledgments.
I take comfort in my long walks: even my sore body feels pain at my emotional battle. I hold you as you cry and feel so guilty for silently regretting my day. I ride the bus- I know, I said it was for economic reasons, but the truth- I just want to feel united with the nameless people who are either mentally insane or high outa’ their mind.
I cry silently in the bathroom- I always make sure your asleep and can’t possibly hear me. I feel it would make me a martyr in your eyes- when inside I just feel lonely and unjustified for all this crazy thoughts.
It’s raining and I feel trapped here-I go outside-it’s freezing… but the wind and rain feel so comforting against my dry skin. Then I cry.
Your asleep and I tiptoe around and then I sit on the couch- not wanting to change the wet clothes … knowing I must go back to the routine. I hear you stir. You call. I sigh but somehow I get up. Every step is drawing me to the firing squad- but… I can never leave you.