I have this wave of pressing sadness that’s drowning me- I can’t see the sun and, god almighty, I think I can fly. I look back and see all the signs and instead of shedding tears I’m in a fit of laughter. The tears will come when the sun has fallen and I lay in the bead alone and the silence…the silence will cut every inch of decency out of me-then I can cry for something lost long ago.Drinking makes all my thoughts seem so sane and logical. I love you!!! I hate you!! I just wish I didn’t feel anything for you. I have decided to put this bottle of whiskey away and face my truth. Or should I say, the truth created. I knew I would loose you when I could no longer laugh at your endless jokes and empty promises. These sentences are made by words that seem to stumble together and try to make some sort of enlightenment breath live back into me. I hate my insomnia- it helps me over analyzing every move and expression you said to me I wish there was a way to restore my tarnished innocence. i think the whiskey is once again taunting my mixed emotions. I’m fucking drowning but I can’t call your name!!!!!!

CrAzY sWiRliNg ThOuGhTs

Does ones truth hold what we are?

Why do my thoughts stream through endless portals

that slip

into useless puddles that clog up my rationale

common-sense?

I feel like I’m driving 120mp through this, and

sooner then not, I’ll

loose control of my sanity and crash!!!

Crash into some sort of metal mixed with clay.

My blood is drenched in my tears and way to much

whiskey.

It’s a miracle I haven’t died of my crazy

swirling thoughts.

Don’t worry sooner or later we’re all bound to get here-

Take your time in getting here-

just never live a lie.

Don’t think you can be a saint one day and a

sinner the next-

your inner voices will find you

and instead of forgiving you they’ll bash your head in and

you’ll never full recover.

You’ll try to become a better person but you’ll

always be stained.

Trust me you can’t bleach or Clorox the filth

away.

Over stimulating your emotions with drugs and

alcohol helps

get you through the night but what about the next

couple of days?

Can I seriously want to live in the same zombie

state that

petrifies the hell out of me.

Can one ever, in truth, change who we are????

Is my reality really my own lie?

Guilt

I’m falling into my darkness- it’s smothering how angry I’m at you. I feel like running and running away. I don’t want to be brave. I care not for awards or acknowledgments.
I take comfort in my long walks: even my sore body feels pain at my emotional battle. I hold you as you cry and feel so guilty for silently regretting my day. I ride the bus- I know, I said it was for economic reasons, but the truth- I just want to feel united with the nameless people who are either mentally insane or high outa’ their mind.
I cry silently in the bathroom- I always make sure your asleep and can’t possibly hear me. I feel it would make me a martyr in your eyes- when inside I just feel lonely and unjustified for all this crazy thoughts.
It’s raining and I feel trapped here-I go outside-it’s freezing… but the wind and rain feel so comforting against my dry skin. Then I cry.
Your asleep and I tiptoe around and then I sit on the couch- not wanting to change the wet clothes … knowing I must go back to the routine. I hear you stir. You call. I sigh but somehow I get up. Every step is drawing me to the firing squad- but… I can never leave you.

You or me?

This imposed seclusion is obtrusive to my sanity. It’s creeping it’s fangs into my sunshine bubble. How do I escape? Can one really escape when all you do is close your eyes and pray to stop tumbling into the abyss of your own life.
My personal war has clamed all my men. leaving me but two loyal soldiers: sanity and insanity. Who will take charge? Or can they co-exist?
Why should I take your stern hand when I just want to jump off- to live in a freedom that’s only tasted on the tip of my tongue. It tasted like an utopia-bar… but melted by me simply being a miscreant deep inside.
Why do I over think something as simple as your “I love you”? maybe it has to do with your floating eyes and your ever moving moments. You may have shattered my silence but drown my happiness with your hands.
Is my addiction personality really that bad? Why? Is one addiction better then another? Is an addiction to porn as bad as my ever need/addiction to craving a non-existing nirvana? I have a feeling that it’s all based on my self imposed illusion of wrong/right. If only…
Why do I hate that you act so supportive in company and so childish in our squabbles? Can you not think of a way to save the world, or even yourself. instead of saving me from my excruciating demons. I want to scream…yet here I sit waiting for life to happen but dreading the darkness that is sure to encloses it’s thorns in me. For you have just walked in and I turn around and smile. Masochist in love with a narcissist. How quaint…